so... here it is, the 10 day after this fiasco and not a single person in my family has spoken to me.  not a single one.  i went from having all of my family to having absolutely none of my family in a matter of minutes.  i will not lie and say it doesn't matter much to me because it has weighed quite heavy on my heart for the last few days.  and yet, to be cut off would in a way be very liberating.  sad, but liberating.

i was probably closest with my sister so her betrayal has been felt the deepest and is the most hurtful to me.  so my subject today is my sister.

one of the first things i loved about facebook when i first joined was how easy it was to chat with my sister on a daily basis.  before social media became what it is now, we didn't keep in touch very well.  an email once in a while, phone call even less.  she was busy, i suck at using the phone and email for these means... bad combo.  anyway, once i joined facebook, we found each other online at the same time pretty much every day and we'd chat.   a lot of the time i ranted about crap going on in my life;  sometimes she would rant about the crap going on in hers... and more times than not it involved my brother or my dad and aunt.  i sympathized with her.  but she constantly had issues with my brother.

here's the thing about that, though:  i've had the same issues with my brother for years, since we were teenagers and we were living in the same house.  and every time we had it out, everyone took his side and accused me of being the source and cause of all the misery in the world.  no one saw things the way i did, and no one ever took my side.  it was a harsh spanse of time for me, and it drove me clear across the globe. i spent much of the 90's living in Japan.  and if i was to be honest with myself, it was more than a missions adventure.  it was the chance to get away from my family.

fast forward 20+ years and no much changed, only my brother was pissing off the rest of my family and i didn't dare be smug and say, "yeah, i tried to tell you this, but you didn't believe me."   so i let my sister rant about my brother, about my aunt, about my dad and my aunt, about everything.  somehow, i thought this meant that we were on the same side.

but clearly it doesn't.  when the crap hit the fan, i sent her a quit text to let her know, to let her brace herself.  she didn't answer it back.  that didn't really bother me at the time because i could explain it as she was in church, or driving or doing something where she didn't get it right away.  i kept waiting for her to call or email or anything to tell me i was being stupid, that i needed to get over myself... again, ANYTHING to show that she was willing to give me a fair hearing.

and i guess that is what hurts;  despite all her bitching and ranting and whining about certain people, she didn't even TRY to hear my side of the story.  she decided without even talking to me that i was wrong and that i needed to be punished with the silent treatment.  seriously, the way i have been shut out, i imagine that my father sat everyone down and decided this was the "best way to handle her".  fine.  i'm game.

for those who are not reading this and thinking, "damn, girl, it has only been 10 days... my sister hasn't spoken to me in 30 years", i just want to say that this is the first 10 days of 30 years.  i'm making a prediction.

i'm trying to figure out what to do about facebook and social media.  i do not want to initiate the unfriending fury.  but i don't really want the connection anymore.  trying hard to decide what to do...

anyway.  it is late and i am sick and need to go to bed so i can be human tomorrow.

happy new year, blah, blah, blah... i think i'm just going to start saying "year" as there is really nothing new about it.   or happy for that matter.

so... checked email to see if my dad tried to contact me.  you know, just... if.  he didn't.  but there was an email from the MOTS (mother of the secret... heretofor the MOTS).  just to share the insanity with the no one who is not reading this blog.  i'm not going to respond to her email except here.

"First I am going to tell you that I love you and there is nothing in this world that will change that.  Secondly, I am only going to say I'm sorry for not reacting properly yesterday, not for what you think I did.  I do not believe that I reacted negatively when I realized that I was going to be asked to help with something.  I never told anyone that I was for sure not going to the church service, I said that I was considering only going to the Christening and to ***'s afterward.  It was a miscommunication and misunderstanding and that is all it was.  It was not cause for the upheaval that took place.  My reaction was because I never expected it to happen.  I was willing to do whatever I was needed to do and that is all there was to it.  I am sorry if I said things that hurt you, it was not done on purpose, but I felt that I had to defend myself because I was basically being attacked."

the funny thing about this attack on her is that it was two against one;  her and my father vs. me. fair fight, right?   she had a lot of shit to say to me in her supposed defense, but because it was in defense, it's ok.  

here's my side of the story:  we were getting ready for church.  there was a question of who would go to the service and who would just go to the christening after the service.  MOTS had indicated that she would probably skip the service since she doesn't get anything out of it and go to the christening.  so it appeared it was just going to be my dad going to the service.  so i was going to hitch a ride w/ him and MOTS could then catch a ride to the church w/ my husband and kids for the christening.  and as we were about to depart, MOTS came out ready to go to the service.  because, of course.  she can't let my dad go anywhere without her.  heaven forbid. so i said, "oh, ok... "  and took off my jacket.  my husband doesn't know the way to the church so it was going to have to be that i stayed back.  i was probably a little frustrated and i get that way when i think one thing is going to happen and then everyone changes the plan without telling me.  i presume i'm not the only one, but hey... whatever.  then hell broke loose.  she started this martyr "oh right i'm supposed to stay home with your kids, fine..." and next thing i know i'm being told i'm a bitchy brat and that she could name five times over the weekend that i made it clearly so.   their story:  i threw things and huffed about church like a child who just had her candy taken away.  i deny this so much that it gives me a headache.  moving on...

"As far as any issue with your father and me, I do love him as I said and I have loved him all my life.  When two people live together as we have, as long time friends and relatives, feelings do become stronger.  I am only speaking for myself now, your father has to speak for himself.  We get along well and enjoy each others company, something I have had missing from my life ever since I became an adult.  Your Mom and I talked at great length about my situation and it was in our plans for me to move over here at some point.  I did not intend to divorce John nor make such a move for a long time, but your Mom's passing made me realize that the Lord can take any one of us at whatever time He chooses.  I'm not getting any younger and neither is your Dad and I didn't want to waste any more time trying to fix a man and a marriage that I knew was impossible to fix. My original reason for moving over here was to spend your Mom's last years with her and do so many things we had missed.  Sadly, it didn't work out that way.  There is so much more in my heart that I wish I had told all of you, but I failed on that.  One thing is for sure I didn't come here to replace your Mom,  she cannot and will not ever be replaced.  Enough on this subject."

once the shit hit the fan, things started being said that needed to be said a long time ago.  if you haven't read the introductory post, the situation with the MOTS and my father is this;  my mother spent the better part of a decade dealing with major health issues.  at the end she was doing dialysis and heart surgery what seemed like once a year at least.  she had good stretches when she would travel and during one good stretch, she came to visit me to help celebrate the adoption and baptism of my youngest son.  it was such a great visit.  i believe that was something like march 21.  on april 1, a week and half later, she was gone.  so, while she was not a healthy woman, she still went rather suddenly and it was a surreal episode for me.

previous to this, the MOTS had been coming to stay with my mom and dad pretty much every weekend.  it should be noted that the last 5 years of my mom's life was hard on my parents relationship wise.  while they supposedly loved each other, they got on each other's nerves every second of everyday.  mom hated being sick and unable to do some things for herself and my dad resented that he had to do it.  at the same time, there were things she could do and he wouldn't let her do, like be in the kitchen cooking a meal.  i mean, i would hear and see two different stories every time i visited;  she would sit in the living room whining about how he won't let her in there to help him so she has to sit in the living room and shout her $.02 to him while he would be in there grumping about how he knew what he was doing, acting like since it fell upon him to do everything she should just shut up and be grateful that he's doing it.  painful to watch as a daughter.  but that was how it was.  

my mom:  quite a selfish person, never one to keep her thoughts and opinions to herself.  i'm the carbon copy, sadly.
my dad:  stubborn, emotionally closed off person who never ever ever lets anyone do anything for him.  ever.  EV. ER.  

i think i'm going off topic.... i'll try to get back to where i was heading with this.  

oh right... a couple weeks after my mom passed away, i got a phone call from my dad.  he wanted to let me know he was taking a trip.  this was not unusual for my parents to do.  they often let us kids know when and where they were going if they were going to be gone a while.  so that was not unusual.   i asked where he was going.  atlantic city.  because, of course that is where you go when you're mourning the loss of your wife of 51 years.  he had timeshare points he wanted to use up, so whatever... not everything in life has to make sense so i asked if he was going alone.  he said he was.  i told him to keep his cell phone with him and on at all times.  a 72 year old man in atlantic city alone... nothing could go wrong there.  a few hours later as i was trying to get ready to fly out the door, he called again.  said he never lied to "us kids" before and wanted to come clean about something.  and i knew what it was as soon as he said he lied about something.  a voice in my head said, 'he's about to tell you he is going to atlantic city with the MOTS'.  and i was right.  too stunned to say anything but "uh, ok, thanks for clearing that up..." and the fact that i was running late made the phone call a short one.  what i wanted to say was, "why did you feel the need to lie?"  but i never got to ask and probably never will.  

not long after that, i got another phone call.  the MOTS was going to move in.  she was going to divorce her husband.  life was too short yada yada... pretty much what she wrote in the email portion above.  naturally, at some point of "the fight", i demanded to know the nature of the relationship.  it was if i punch my father in the face... he did not want to go there.  i think he thought the ruse was working.  he thinks i'm too stupid.  the joke, of course, is that anyone with half a brain would want to know what the hell is going on there.  heck, my youngest son, 4 years old at the time, asked about the sleeping arrangements.  i found it hilarious.  they did not.  that tells you something right there.

when i tried to explain that losing my mother was painful and that having my father find a "roommate" so soon after her death, she came screaming at me about how she lost a sister.  and that right there is the sum and substance of the MOTS right there.  nothing is about other people, everything is about her.  i didn't lose a mother, she lost a sister.  the day she died, my sister and i were going through the family photo albums trying to find nice pics of my mother to display at visiting hours.  a lot of the pictures of our childhood included pictures of the MOTS children and she just wailed about how her kids don't remember this part of childhood and then went running from the room to cry.  when my dad went to check on her we could hear her wailing about how her kids aren't going to care when she dies.  my sister and i just looked at each other.  my sister said,  "mom hasn't been dead more than 6 hours and she has made this all about her."  

my favorite part of that email paragraph, of course, is the confession that she has always loved him but my father has to speak for himself.  i'm not a lawyer, but there is a whole of implication and evidence to some actual truth.  well, hell... let's have some truth, shall we?

"Finally,  You hurt me and your father very much yesterday, I am only an aunt and I guess my feelings don't really count, but your father's do.  I think you need to think back on all the things that he has done for you, given to you and helped you with going back to your college days through to your marriage and having children.  There is not a more generous. giving and loving man than your father and you were blessed to be born into the Boettger family.  You have been loved dearly and completely for forty three years and I think you owe your Dad an explanation and an "I'm sorry".  Whether you want to believe it or not, the family is always here for you and I will always do my best to be here for you also. "

first of all, there is nothing "finally about this paragraph... but nevermind that.  the passive aggressive is strong with this one.  her telling me how much my father has done for me is just rich.  i am well aware and repeatedly said as much during "the fight".  and to follow a "i'll never replace your mother" with "tell your father you're sorry" is vomit inducing.  

what she doesn't get is that what is between me and my father is between me and my father and none of her damn business.  if he wants her to fight his battles, then he has bigger problems than a daughter that won't speak to him currently.   she says she isn't trying to replace my father and yet throws herself in the middle of things like it is all about her is hypocrisy and narcissism at its finest.  

i'm hurt and angry.  what i tried to explain to my father but couldn't because she never shut up and would talk over everything i had to say was this:  i've been hurt and angry for 2 years now.  my life is not where it should be.  i have had absolutely no one to talk about this to because i'm accused of whining and making others feel bad and responsible for my life.  which is not the case at all.  i just want someone to listen.  i want someone who will let me get my burdens out of my gut where they are churning like a violent eddy, building up and releasing anger and hate that is thrown at the people i truly love , who stick around and take my abuse because they love me back.  but i couldn't say all that.  the MOTS wouldn't let me say anything.  she just told me what she thought and felt.  because it was all about her.  like every freakin' moment of life.  

"I do hope we can mend this fence and become a stronger family, after all aunts are part of a family you know.  One thing is very true, I will not tolerate being treated like that ever again, so you think about how we can fix this now and going forward.  WE are all Christians and the Lord knows our hearts better that we know ourselves.  Forgiveness is important and I hope you forgive me for any hurtful words I have said, yesterday and in this letter."

again, she pulled the "i know i'm only an aunt, but aunts are people too" martyr crap.   gawd that is getting so old.  she doesn't have to worry about tolerating anything;  we're totally done.  i have nothing to say to her and she can kiss my ass.

lastly, her invoking her "christianity" is a huge joke.  the woman has stepped inside a church more often to get married than to actually worship God in the last 20 years.  she should watch out for lightening and quicksand.  

the weirdest thing about this email is that i saw it in the inbox and didn't want to read it.  normally this kind of stupid drama would make me WANT her to write so i could fire back.  but i had little or no interest in reading it if it was going to be the drivel it turned out to be.  i asked dh to read it first and he informed me it was not worth reading.  i read it anyway because i had to... best to be informed.  maybe?  the other weird thing is that i have absolutely no interest in writing back to her.  maybe this blog is the reason, but even if i didn't have this blog, i don't think i'd want to write back.  my silence will give her the real message i wish to send.   but mostly, my problem is with my dad.  i want him to make a move.  so far he hasn't and that says it all to me.

have to go meet a school bus... about a foot of snow and ice out there.  windchill makes it insanely cold.  begging my husband to consider finding work in a warmer climate.

sigh.

new year's eve.  been drinking a little.  not a lot.  i don't normally drink and it seemed like the best way to celebrate the end of a shitty year and to welcome what is probably going to be another shitty year.

if you read the first entry, you're caught up.  massive releasing of angst and anger at the family gathering over christmas.  no one is really speaking to me and i don't expect them to.  well, hold on... there is one person i thought would reach out but she hasn't.

as i cried myself all the way home from this awful blow up, i counted the cost.  lost my dad?  sad, yeah.  but it was revealed that he was a lying sack, so i don't consider that a loss at the moment.  my brother?  not a problem.  he is a self centered prick who never calls or emails or anything, hardly talks to me at these family torture sessions, so it will be business as usual for him.  my sister?  ok, that one got me crying.  we're close, she's the best friend i've ever had forever and we have spent many hours chatting about what a asshat our brother can be and how the whole auntiemomma/uncledaddy thing is just stomach churning.  surely she would understand that i couldn't take it anymore and blew it.

nope.  she's not speaking to me either.  and that pisses me off the most.  i thought about how we aren't going to do the "sister thing" when i come to visit, or how i hurt her by blowing town and leaving this mess for her to deal with.  so while i understand her not being happy with me, i thought she would at least call me and tell me that i messed up.  but she didn't.  just some vagueness on her facebook about it.

so i'm alone.  big surprise.  my family can piss and moan about each other but no one has the cajones to actually say something.

the thing w/ my dad and my aunt... she is a serial wife.  she actually left her third husband to move in with my dad.  i was told that the death of my mother made her realize that life is too short to be stuck in a bad marriage.  when has she ever been stuck in a bad marriage?  she had been divorced twice already... how is that stuck?  seriously, if any other woman moved in with my dad who had been married three times before, no one would blame me for speaking up.  but because she is my aunt, i'm supposed to understand?  i understand a lot, but not the way they want me to "understand".

so she left her third victim and you know the song... had no where to go.  so my dad told her to move in.  he had the room, she needed the support for this transition of life (i think i just threw up a little in my mouth writing that last part).  how do i explain this to my children?

well, us kids conned ourselves into thinking that it was a sister brother thing... but it isn't.  sure, she has her own room and all that, but they are always together.  he essentially is supporting her financially.  they travel (separate hotel rooms?  highly doubtful) together.  they sit too close on the sofa together when we visit.  she touches him a lot.  my 5 year old asked her where they sleep together, in her room or in grampa's room.  i thought i was going to fall off the chair when he did that.  the look on her face was PRICELESS!!!

and during our heated debate about who was the bigger bitch, her or me, she said that she has always loved him and wouldn't let him make it more than it is until they had our blessing... WTF?!  so there you have it.  they are both lying sacks of shit.

ok, the alcohol is starting to wear off.  need to refill the glass.  enough for now.

once upon a time there was a girl.  she had a family.  the family was normal.

once upon a time, something happened to her.  something secret.  something she has never uttered out loud.  she probably would have suppressed this secret except that she has a sister with the same secret.  and if a secret can't die if two people can't share it, it certainly can't if there is a third person who is the secret.

once upon a time, the girl grew up.  but she never loved anyone.  not really.  not even herself.  not really.

but she married.  she had two children.  she loved her husband and her children, but she never felt it was a real good kind of love.

once upon a time, the girl's life crashed hard.

her mother died.  a month later her mother's sister moved in with her father.  her father invited the mother of the secret to share his home.

once upon a time there was a girl.  she had a family, but not any more.  the family was normal, but not any more.

once upon a time the girl grew up.  and she is incredibly alone.  and she doesn't know what to do about it.